lots in life

Over the last few months Joel and I have discussed an issue on several occasions.  Our friends and family have faced some incredible hardships through out the last few years.  We always come back to the realization of how blessed we are.  Our children were born healthy and strong.  Our trials with them have been hard at times but never life threatening or dangerous or scary - just long, hard, and always a light at the end of the tunnel.  We have had no illness or deaths of close loved ones in our lives in recent years.  We are not rich but we do not have the struggles of some of those we know.  We own our house and so far it has been sturdy and strong and keeps us warm.  Sometimes I wonder when the ball will drop for us.  Sometimes I feel like I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

As I drove to pick up Sarah from school I was pondering how I have been nauseous for a few days.  My heart always feels like it's beating a little too hard and little too fast for resting.  My stomach is sour and I have trouble sleeping.  I have anxiety.  And as I drove I wondered, maybe this is my trial.  Maybe some trials are quick and of epic proportions and some are small like a thousand little paper-cuts every day...but maybe my trial is dealing with what feels like crippling anxiety.  The kind that eats away at you.  That keeps you awake at night and then pops into your dreams and ruins any rest you were hoping for.  The kind of anxiety that no direct source can be found so that there isn't just one way to fix it.  The kind of anxiety that breaks my heart because I hate that it affects Joel and our babies.  It is Joel's burden too, this trial I endure.  He wants desperately to fix it and we have no idea how.

Ever since I found the church I have never struggled with  my faith.  Sarah asked the other day what one of my talents was - and reflecting on that now - maybe my talent is unwavering faith.  I am no biblical scholar nor am I always prepared for my lessons - but I never waver in my faith that Heavenly Father is real and that He lives.  And I never ask him, 'Why me?'.  Because if it is, so shall it be.  And so I look at my life and while we are faithful, secure, loving, and strong...we have trials too.  They are difficult and all-consuming at times.  And maybe one day there will be a light, as for now I use the small flashlights that my family, friends, and faith provide for me so I can find my way.