When I went to the doctor in December she asked me, 'If you had access to some medication that would calm you down and take away your panic attacks, how many times a week would you used it?' I answered that I would probably use it about 5 or 6 times a week. Meaning, everyday I was having some sort of panic reaction that was crippling me. Crippling. Me. I was just reading over some posts from last year and I know that I am doing better. I can think of two or three instances this month where I would have chosen to take a medication that makes the panic stop. And I know the reasons for the attacks. They didn't sneak up on me, they weren't sudden, and they had definite causes.
As I read back over my posts my heart hurt. I ache for where I was. I'm not perfect by any means (case in point, I was up all night because I was hosting a book sale party and that is a huge source of anxiety: entertaining.) and I still struggle from time to time...but it's all relative when I read where I was two or three months ago. What a relief it is to read.
The other night I was in a panic and couldn't loosen the fear that gripped my chest. I kept telling myself I was still better than I was. I even asked Joel, 'This is not happening everyday anymore right? I'm getting better, yes? This isn't my whole life anymore?' I knew I was better but my brain was trying to convince me that I was back to square one failing miserably at recovering and healing. But I kept telling myself otherwise. And I tried to sleep, because anxiety is always worse when I'm tired. I am doing surprisingly well tonight since I'm running on about two and half hours sleep.
And so here I sit. I write to my future self - maybe a month from now, maybe two years from now - so that I can remember that I was getting better. That I am getting myself under control and I can breathe. I can breathe and I'm still happy. And it's not easy. And some days are so hard I can't hardly bear it, but they are fewer and farther between. And there are some days that are easy as pie - and I remember that it isn't always so hard.
1 comment:
Keep on posting Jenna, the ups, the downs, the in-betweens. Just as you wrote in the post, you'll be able to go back and you will be able to visually tell where you used to be and how far you have progressed since then. I think you are amazing. I am constantly inpressed by you.
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