perspective

I've made the remark to several different people over the last few years that I consider social networking sites like Facebook (and Myspace, once upon a time) in the same realm as the Christmas card.  I tend to post optimism, smiles, accomplishments, goals, funny or nice anecdotes, pictures, and other quaint stories of my life.  It is not my outlet (typically, although there are exceptions) where I choose to rant or rave or complain or bemoan or just be a jerk.  As a result I think that I might portray an image of some one who has it all together.  Over the the last few weeks, as I've been posting updates about my emotional challenges or doctors appointments, a couple people have commented that they would never have suspected that I had some of the issues I do.  Wow.  You could knock me over with a feather everytime some one says something like that.

I feel like I've always been the friend that struggles.  I am the one who couldn't keep herself pulled together in high school and college.  I got good grades and had good friends, but I distinctly always remember feeling inadequate.  I didn't dress as well as others (I still don't, but most of the time it doesn't bother me), I had big feet (yep, still size 11 and I'm still self conscious), I always thought I was fat (I've now learned, even at an optimum weight I will always struggle with balancing my eating habits and I will always think I could lose a few more pounds and tone up a bit here and there).  Now my inadequacies have spilled into how crafty I am and how creative I am and how well-decorated my house is(n't). 

So now you can see that I'm not the woman that shines forth through my Facebook status'.  I am the messy, insecure, over-emotional woman I've always been.  But what I have learned, over the last few days in particular, is that I am always the person that I was at the moment I was my very best.  Does that even make sense?  I picture the moment in my life where I had it all - and I still have it all.  I do.  It doesn't matter if I am at the park with my kids and having a great time or curled up in the fetal position having a panic attack in my room.  I am the same woman I was when I partook of the sacrament for the first time and felt the spirit so strongly that I felt no inadequacy.  I was whole. 

And now for the part that hurts.  I don't always remember that.  I don't always remember that I'm whole.  Sometimes I feel half, or even a quarter.  But I will keep trying to remember.  And that's what counts.

So why do I post only good stuff on Facebook?  Because that's who I WANT to be.  I want to be the woman who gets things done.  Who makes food from scratch for her family.  So I post it when I do it, because it's out there and it's real.  And I post things I want to get done because it makes me accountable.  So when you see me in the store or at church and you ask, 'Hey, how was that new recipe you said you were going to try?' I will have actually tried it so I'll have something to respond with!  :)