a few simple revelations

I hold a lot of guilt in my heart.  If you know me then this statement doesn't surprise you.  I feel guilty about pretty much everything.  If you've ever done something for me of any kind I am probably still thinking about how I could never repay you...even if it was something as simple as bringing a small meal while my kids or I were sick...or brought over a nice gift for no reason.  I'm feeling guilty.  Guilty that my brain doesn't naturally think of doing things like that - although I'm getting better!  I am getting better at thinking of others first and remembering to offer meals or childcare or errands...but I digress...

I have realized a few things this weekend...about guilt.

1.  General Conference was this weekend and I really feel like every talk was made me for in one way or another.  Except the single parent one, but I could still totally relate to some points.  But the themes that I noticed (and I think each of us will pull a different theme out of talks depending on where we are or what we're doing in our lives) revolved around doing your best and forgiving yourself.  Yup, forgiving YOURSELF.  I know that I'm not utilizing the atonement in my life if I'm still feeling guilt over things.  So my mission is to realize that when someone says they will do something for me, I will not decline and say I can do it myself when I know it will cause me crazy stress.  I will not feel bad for someone who offers service to me because they love me.  I will not keep a tally of who did what for me and trying to measure what I owe for said act of kindness.

2.  One source of guilt is the amount of money I spend on groceries.  Yeah, I know, right?  Could I get anymore nit-picky?  My husband frequently tells me that the money I spend on food is not a waste.  We eat it.  It's okay.  But I still felt guilty.  And then I read this article and the corresponding comment thread.  Just what I needed.  I'm slowly realizing that by spending a bit more on better quality food and (gluten free now for me) ingredients, I'm actually investing in my future.  I'm contributing to healthy food manufacturers instead of chips and snacks and other not so savory businesses.  I am not ready to commit completely and go organic.  That actually causes me anxiety.  But I'm willing to invest in foods that make our lives healthier and happier.  So, as long as we can afford it and I'm not driving us into debt by spending a little more money on our groceries I will be doing my best not to feel guilty about it.

3.  I've been feeling guilty about working.  There are a LOT of working mom's out there.  My mom was one of them.  She worked outside the home while my dad stayed home and took care of us.  I'm lucky enough that I don't have to work to make ends meet but I do.  In the last few weeks I've realized that my work has started to cause me more pain than it's worth.  And while I don't want to let my coworkers down, I know that I need to make a change.  And so I'm going to.  My family is first.  My girls having their momma is more important than a few extra dollars.  No more guilt.  I refuse to feel guilty for wanting to be what I was put on this earth to be.

Those are my top three.