mirage

I did something tonight that I typically avoid doing.  I looked at old pictures.  Specifically I stole Joel's phone and looked at the pictures he has on his phone.  He has transferred pictures from his previous 2 phones onto the phone he has now.  I never really look at these pictures because there isn't any record of them anywhere else.  But tonight I looked...

And my heart crumbled.  Oh, the pictures he took of our sweet girls.  I am pretty content with our family as it is right now.  I don't believe we are ready to have anymore babies.  But those sweet little faces staring back at me coupled with a plethora of my friends who are expecting is enough to make me see a mirage.  The mirage is the beauty of carrying that little baby in my belly.  Loving the kicks and nudges from within.  Enjoying the smiles and pats from friends and strangers alike.  But when I get closer to that picture I remember the sleepless nights, the baby carriers, the weight gain, the post-partum depression, the mood swings, the stress, the sadness, the joy, the tears.  And I remember why it's so hard to have a new baby.  And I become thankful for my girls as they are now: talking, dressing themselves, making jokes, preparing for school, playing independently, and most importantly, sleeping through the night.

Maybe I'll rethink it all when Allison is in school...but then I may still be content with the two amazing girls Heavenly Father gave me.