I have really been wanting to update the blog. Real bad. I even have a post I started but didn't finish. But here's the dirty truth - I'm down and out. If I wrote a post it would be full of melancholy reflections, anxiety, and fear. And I just hate to bring everyone down or make this a pity party. So just know that Sarah started kindergarten this week and she LOVES it. She loves her teacher, her friends, and riding the bus. She's in pm kindergarten so she spends the mornings playing with her cousin whom I watch for my sister, then she's off to play (and learn) at school, then when she gets home I get to work on dinner. It's been making for full days. I'm overwhelmed. Scared at my loss of 'freedom' to do what we want when we want to. I'm excited for Sarah's love of learning. I am having a hard time with Allison who seems to do more yelling and screaming and tantrum-throwing than actual talking. I'm angry at myself for not wanting to play with them as much as I should (although it's hard to even think about that when all Alli does is throw stuff at me and yell in my face). I am hoping next week is a little better. One bright spot involves Allison. In a few of her rare moments of pure amazingness she and I have played kitchen together. She will cook me things and we'll share. It's really neat that I can see so much of Sarah in her during these moments. Sarah and I played kitchen A LOT when Allison was little. Allison and I rarely get moments alone to focus on eachother so this is nice.
I know things will get better once I get used to the new routine and replenish some of my emotional bank account. Sometimes I withdraw too much without putting anything back in. My focus this week will be praying more, reading my scriptures, and focusing on my blessings.
1 comment:
Jenna, if it makes you feel better, I often feel in the same boat with Alex.
I can understand the freedom thing. I was thinking about how once Alex starts kindergarten, we won't be able to just go places cause we want. We just moved to Washington and I was looking forward to just being able to get away if I was stressed and see our parents, but that's not possible during the week unless school's out, and Alex is starting Head Start at the end of the month, so I guess that's happening sooner than I expected (though it's in the morning so I think that will be better even though I'm not looking forward to getting up earlier. I'm not a morning person).
I'm also dealing with anger issues with Alex. For some reason, he's just angry a lot. If I have any anger or frustration in my voice, he'll just fly off the handle at me, throwing toys, hitting me, crying, etc. It's really frustrating and I'm trying to stay patient and calm, but it isn't easy (and sometimes he'll fly off even when I am staying calm and patient, which makes it even harder because I feel helpless. Like today. I accidentally made him fall and he hit his head. I grabbed him and said I was sorry and was hugging him trying to comfort him, so naturally he bit me. Makes sense, right? /sarcasm). So sorry that you're having trouble with Allison. I can totally sympathize.
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