As I was driving home from the gym tonight I had a weird thought. Over the last year I've been reflecting on the recommendation to go on some anti-anxiety/anti-depressant medication. I've been pretty vehement that that isn't the route I want to take. Tonight I wondered if I was being prideful and if that pride wasn't somehow hindering my right to a more peaceful life. I am happy. My heart is happy. We are blessed. I know this. I know it in my core. But my brain can't seem to let go of this needless worry. Some days I feel almost normal and other days I'm barely hanging by a thread. I walked into my mom's house today with tears in my eyes and asked, flat out, 'Mom, do you think I'd be better on medication?' and she replied quietly, 'Jenna, I think life doesn't have to be so hard for you. It could be an answer to your prayers.'
My heart sank and lifted in the same breath if that's even possible. Part of me wants to reach out and try to medically get a handle on this situation. Another part of me is screaming that I can do this on my own. That I don't need to be dependent on chemicals to be normal. I've tried for a year now to get this controlled. I'm running out of energy chasing the blues away.
I came home and looked up the drug that my doctor originally recommended. I was terrified. I am terrified. I don't want these side affects. I don't want to have to try pill after pill after pill only to find daily life is better than a medicated life. I don't want to have to ween myself off of them one day.
Joel has been opposed to any drugs for the start. He's pretty much anti-ibuprofen so I try to take that for what it's worth. The truth is I agree with him. But I'm so tired. I am tired of wondering why keeping my house clean, playing with my babies, maintaining every day things is getting harder and harder. Truth be told, I'm scared. I'm scared I won't get better.
So, after talking a bit with Joel I'm going to call the sweet therapist he and I both saw after the shooting earlier this year. I'm going to explain to her what's going and see what she recommends. I am hoping to get a blessing here real soon. I don't need the Lord to take it all away, although that would be nice, I just need to know what how to cope and what direction to go.
This is me. Crying as I write this. Laying it all out there for everyone to read. I pray I will have a new direction that will make things even just a little bit easier. I pray for comfort if it can't be easier.
1 comment:
This post reminds me of a time on my mission when a member was talking about his daughter's ADHD and how they didn't want to medicate her. When they prayed about it the answer was to go ahead and do it. The father didn't like that answer and prayed again saying something like "this is my daughter and I don't want to put her on drugs." His answer was "This is my daughter too, and this will help her." Changed my views about medications somewhat as I am usually anti-medication too.
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