getting to know me

So, okay, another post about my insanity.  If you get tired of it maybe check back in 2013 to see if things have gotten better.  But for now, this is my outlet.  So, I have had a few breakdowns which have involved me doing the ugly cry in front of Joel.  The ugly LOUD sob with the plugged nose and the uncontrollable hyperventilating...the WORKS.  And each of them have centered around my anxiety that I'm not good enough.  Not a good enough mom or sister or daughter or wife or member of the church.  It's crazy.  I was so consumed by this anxiety and self-doubt that when General Conference came about in October it was the only thing I could pray about and ask for direction for...I just needed confirmation that I was good enough.  That I was doing the best I could.  I was fully convinced that my children deserved more than I could ever give them and my husband deserved a much better wife.

Joel patiently and lovingly told me over and over again that I was enough.  That I was doing and being and saying and playing all the right things at the right time.  That our girls were happy, our marriage was blessed and our lives were good.  I think it was finally starting to sink in after nine long months of struggling with self doubt.  (side note - my fingers keep wanting to type dough instead of doubt.)

So the last two months I've been having a HUGE amount of anxiety.  This wasn't so much a sad depression and anxiety as it was angry and frustrated.  Even my neighbor-bestie Claire said she thought I was really exhibiting signs of depression.  I was short with people, impatient, unloving, being a hermit, and sassy.  And even more lately - I was snapping at Joel and the girls.  It was awful. 

I knew what was causing this horrible stress.  And I knew I had to do something.  In order to let it go I had to be a little bit humble and admit that I just can't do it all.  And after realizing the different kinds of anxious feelings I have felt over the last year I was really struck by the complexities.

This angry anxiety was the result of an outside source.  The sad, helpless anxiety is a result of my own self-negativity.  It may not be the discovery of the century but it has given me new insight and perspective.  I know the more I can identify about my triggers and my symptoms and my expressions of anxiety the better I'll be able to control and resolve it in the future.

I've got a 'date' to officially remove this angry stress source from my life and ever since that date was set I've felt a literal weight lifted off my chest.  I didn't realize how hard it was to breathe over the last two months.  My eyes FEEL brighter and my brain feels so less dark and dreary.  I'm really hopeful.  I'm grateful that I can learn these small but important things about myself.