take it to the limit

I worked out at the gym tonight.  No news there.  It's kind of an addiction I can't quit.  I go three or four times a week, I've tried to stop but I can't.  It's so bad in such a great way.  Bad because my budget could definitely use that extra $62/month plus the fuel it takes to get there (that cost does include classes of all kinds for the girls though, too)...but my body and my mind NEED it.  In fact, after trying to quit for the second time this year Joel firmly but gently told me, 'You need to go back to the gym.  You are going a little crazy again.'  You don't need to hear that anymore than once to do what needs to be done. 

I digress as usual.  My rambling is going to focus music today.  As I was listening to Pandora I was thinking about what I listen to as I run.  The last two months I've been listening to the Breaking Dawn Part 2 soundtrack.  It's a special channel that Pandora advertised on Facebook and it's not available anymore but my channel still works so I'm listening as long as I can.  These songs are very slow and melodramatic for the most part.  Only a few have a quick tempo - but they are more motivating to me than any other songs right now. 

Typically you will find me listening to some old school rap when I workout.  Music that I mostly listened to during my high school and early college days.  I used to wonder why I couldn't get motivated with anything but this intense music and tonight I think I figured out why.

It's not the tempo that pushes me it's the emotional reaction that pushes me.  Breaking Dawn still triggers a really strong pull in my heart and mind.  I know I'm a TOTAL nerd but it's who I am and I embrace it.  My high school and early college years are full of crazy intense emotions...most of which are negative based.  I think I use those flashbacks of intensity to fuel my body into pushing forward. 

I often find myself thinking of the crazy difference between so many years ago and where I am today.  And then I think about how I used to be 250 pounds and how I'm 100 pounds lighter now...then it makes me happy to be working out...because 10 years ago I could never have imagined running 2 miles let alone 13. 

So I suppose my mission is to find a way to use this discovery to my advantage.  Somehow I need to channel that physical accomplishment into an emotional one.  If that makes any sense.  I know I can explain but I can feel it in my heart and I'll try hard to make it happen.